Last night was a perfect example. We’re working the budget and we’re paying the debt and we’re “on the plan”, so to speak. But we still haven’t nailed down all the “incidentals” that creep in; can’t even really call them DJ moments because some part of me tells me I should have been able to see it coming, and allowed for it. We still fight about money sometimes ,and how best to spend what we have coming in. We’re so tight on the budget right now that even some of the sinking funds seem an extravagance, although we have them set up for a few absolute gotta-do’s. So when things do come onto the radar that the budget doesn’t allow for, I know I can’t just go charge it and make it better and then pay “later”. And in that moment, I hate it.
My only consolation is that we’re digging out, and that feels better every single month that goes by. I’m coming up on the 2nd yearly anniversary of not having used my credit card, and that feels awesome. So I suck it up another few days before more money comes in, ration that money out ever so carefully again, and try to do a little better job at budgeting. Sometimes when it gets really bad I go look at our snowball payments. They are getting incrementally smaller but they are getting smaller. And the various folks who have posted about finally being debt free, well, those keep me really motivated. Some part of my brain still can’t quite conceive that I’ll ever really be there. So the recent discussion about what we’ll buy with that first bit of extra money, seemed a very abstract “never really gonna happen” conversation for me. But I just keep telling myself it really will happen. And even though I get down sometimes about how we should have been so much further ahead by now than we are, hey, at least it didn’t take another 10 years before we got started. Instead of hoping all my debts are paid off by my 50th birthday, I could have lived in denial for another 10 years and been hoping to be out of debt by the time I was 60. When I start thinking in those terms, I’m just glad I got started when I did.
So hang in there Eldred. This time last year you were convinced you’d never be employed again. Six months ago, give or take, you reached a point where you couldn’t make the payment on your house. And now here you are, employed again and making the payments on the house again and feeling frustrated but you’re a heckuva lot better off than you were at either of those recent times. Maybe give yourself a day to think of all the things you’re pleased about and grateful for and happy for? That resets my inner frustration level too. If nothing else, trust that you’re amongst folks who understand and who admire you for how far you’ve come. Even if some times you can’t see it.
Any chance any of those Pollyanna pills still available? We’re actually having a rather miserable day here, weather-wise, and I was having lots of “can’t see the progress” feelings myself as recently as last night. Still feel some of those echoes this morning.